i am finally seeing

relate

Thu, 13 Jan 2005 07:09:53 GMT

i always find myself in the middle of things that i care nothing about. have thte time i pursue the nothingness,and the other half i retract and runaway. but not in big way. nothings really that big of deal. at least not these days. but i think to tend to make everything that way. potentially to keep from a nervous breakdown. because really what would be the fun in that. besides everyone elses reactions. and maybe a few get better cards. with only akward non chalant sayings to ensure no real feelings, b/c an emotionally unstable person cannot be more confused. hah i have no idea what i am talking about. the other night i was at broadway cafe and as i was walking to the counter i started to choke on my own spit, it was hilarious, i cant remember the last time anythign like that happened to me. and then i didnt have enough money for the zuccinni bread. but the nice guy working let the 50 cents difference slide. maybe he remembers that i think hes cute. hah. my mom also called me while i was there and proceeded to tell me that she had been proposed too. i almost cried out of confusion. i just want her to be happy, but not married to a nutcase. its amazing how everything changes in 1 day. yesterday she is telling me she thinks shes going to spend the rest of her life with this man, today she is telling me she feels suffocated and she is scared. im not one for advice in these type of things. ive got the cynical outsider view, due to the fact that i have never been in a relationship, so of course i have the most rational advice, the most rational advice that will never relate to the real life situation due to emotions. i have never had the emotions so i dont know how to add them into the equation. i mean i can think about it, but i think its a whole different point of view once you feel it. and whats the point in advice really,i mean i know i really never take anyone elses advice, i dont think anyone really does, i think when people ask for advice they are really just looking for secret confirmation in what they already believe. i mean why dont they just follow that. why i even bother concerning me with something im not so concerned in. not that i mind. im quite sure the day people stopped concerning me id wonder where my life i had gone. well not actually. tomorrows the test. trying to beat the social anxiety. need to get me a new job.

you come from far away.
brenna

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 19:56:45 GMT

this past weekend has been really good. friday night i went to on the border with kendra and lauren. the fire alarm went off 3 times during the meal. the first time was for about 10 minutes. it was pretty annoying. but oh well, make the best of any situation. saturday night i worked for a long time and by the end of the night i was really loopy and having a good time. i met up with kate, steve, and kendra at starbucks where i got a free frappucino. always a plus. talked about old times. it was good. we went and ran around walmart, where i witnessed a man stealing baby food, i wish i would have had cash to give him. kate rode with me back to cedar creek, i missed the exit and had to get off on kill creek and turn around, the car in front of us did the same thing, so it looked like we were following them. so we played it up and tailed them out of pure boredom. it was funny they slowed down to 50, then sped up to 80. then we started talking about how they might be gang bangers and decided it was such a brilliant idea for us to be messing with them. anyways steves basement is a fashion show room, and his mom came home gloriously drunk in a bright outfit. i felt like i was on some sort of tv show or something, it was fun. after i dropped kate off 2 doors down, i drove home. the whole time i was driving home i was completely terrified that something was going to happen to me. b/c that night everything seemed to feel a whole again, complete. so there was just this feeling that now is the time for something to go wrong, now is the time. and i was completely paranoid, eyes darting all over the road, cautiously watching the spedometer. sometimes these things just happen to me where i completely freak out. but nonetheless i arrived home safely to my house that is really no longer a home. i thought about reading, but layed the book and slept with the lamp on. soft glow for an uneasy nerves. today is slow and the rain is pouring. i thought about going to the library to do some late work but i am pushing it off til tomorrow. tara gets back from austin today and i hope it settled well with her, b/c i would really like to get out of this place, and i just need someone else that is willing to take the risk.

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 16:38:04 GMT

this morning is amazing, i am listening to an old mix cd that has wonderful bands such as juliana theory, sublime, antiflag, rancid, operation ivy, veronica, oh it is full of good laughs and old memories. oh memories.

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 17:52:19 GMT

2 in 1 year just isnt fair.

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 17:18:20 GMT

sometimes people call me by the wrong name,a nd i really dont like it. sometimes i make ethnic jokes and offend people. but i mean uh i just get nervous when there are breaks in the conversation. uh i just get nervouse. im going to be comedian. i think thats got to be the most pretentious job, b/c who really sits around thinks to themselves that they are funny enough to entertain millions of people. or even like 30. at some crappy comedy bar hour.

dear zoe, the train left late and the storm is headed to the river that falls underneath the track and runs through the wild berries where you can find the locker nestled in the busy birds bundled by the oak tree with only one branch.

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 05:37:10 GMT

i get really excited when there is already opened cartons of milk left in the fridge. its always so hard for me to get new ones open. they have that extra plastic attached to the lid, to ensure freshness or something. but i always have to use a knife to cut that off so that i can get the lid off. its such a hastle, and needless to say i get really excited when there already open cartons of milk. in the same way it ruins my day when there is no milk in the fridge. its weird incomplete the day becomes. theres no use in breakfast without a glass of milk. some people are completely disgusted with milk. i am completely reliant on it. but i have never taken it as far as to order it while out for dinner at restaurant. breakfast on the other hand is a different story.

i aslo like late at night, when gracie is completely worn out from the day. all of her puppy energy is gone and she will just be calm and hang out. instead of trying to bite my face off, or my arm, or even my knee.

the rules

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 22:03:00 GMT

ex-girlfriends rule the world. and since i am not an ex of anyone it seems i have no say anything. but seriously by this age everyboy has this exgirlfriend who completely screwed him up and he cant get over or something like that. the world is ruined. i guess i should be thankful that i am not one of the people ruining the world. blah blah blah. tim kasher was good. the people in front of me were getting all weirded out by things he was saying. soooooooo immature. haha. where me and tara were standing in the bottleneck gave me deja vu. so weird. the drive home was sooo long. from lawrence all the way out to raytown, all the way back to olathe. dang. cant wait to go to chicago. hm hm like 2 1/2 weeks.

update

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 06:13:05 GMT

friday night;rain storm/flash flood. got stuck in borders. borders closed. me, tara, and becki mad a run for IHOP. its 24 hours. waited for the rain to stop.

saturday night: went to broadway with beth. thomas and becki met up with us. so did sean. did a whole lot of talking. i threw ice. went outside. walked around. got in a kung fu/ naploean fight with sean and beth. looking back the night was slow. ran across the street while thomas embaressed me. watched teen witch!

sunday night: ate dinner at beths. delicious. talked about school in chicago. went to broadway. she needed coffee for her drive home. tara stopped by to say hello. michael came to hang out. we played war. and texas hold em. michael thought it was weird i know how to play. im a hustler. duh. ashley stopped by to see beth too. they left. me and michael listened to a tryadactul, i dont know to spell it. i loved it. espicially track 4. went to the castle. fitted the music perfectly. went to gates bbq so he could eat. stopped by paiges new place she has with her boyfriend mike. its really nice. really good to see paige. really. shes good at catching things with one hand. michael gave me a new book thats full of pictures of punks from 78-80. i like it too much. also got a sweet poster that shows he listens when i talk. hah. uhhhh i gotta go.

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 06:31:23 GMT

mikeys back. he took me out for a day of fun. which consisted of going to a bike shop and a hardware store for his new bike. pretty sweet bike. not worth a $1200. i got to see the new scenes at the end of napoleon dynamite. they are glorious. went out to lawrence wed night. got in a water war with thomas and becki. made me feel young again. young like 5 young. i thought 18 was old, but everyone makes me feel different. went and saw somnabulists, they are very good, but they put me to sleep. then went to westport. got some desert pizza. saw 2 mins of getaway driver. encountered numerous drunk people. got called ashlee simpson. called thomas a fuckhead when he bought me a flower. had a good ride home with beck. next day went to the kerry rally. clapped my hands and threw fists in the air. screamed ridiculous things. laughed at the bush supporters. danced to the music. ran around in fountain. fell in the deep area. had a dance/stare down competition with kids we didtn know. a little bit softer now, a little bit softer now. saw some 311 jam band and laughed at the drunk people grinding. went over to seans house where has dog had puked and his sister couldnt stop using the word fuck. best night in awhile. next day. went with tara to get her tattoo. beth came too. i couldnt watch in the beginning. but it only took like 15 mins. went and stood outside the stray cat. i refused to pay 5 dollars or take anyone elses 5 dollars. left there and went to peirces. i was too tired to do much of anything. accept use my disposable camera. i stepped on it a few days ago and thought it broke but its still doing good. today tara came up to my work to hang out around 940pm. then we came back here and talked. tomorrow is omaha and i am very excited.

farewells are forgivable.hah.
brenna

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 07:40:14 GMT

today was good. i have a headache all day though. but i realized i could swallow 3 pills at once. yah im a badass. i started to watch desperado. then michael called and i talked to him for awhile, i walked around the block, and sat on the porch swing which faces the house. weird. after the phone call with michael i started watching desperado again. but i dont like watching people die so i ended up turning it off. i have to work at 1045 am. i hate working day shifts b/c you work by yourself, and its just way too much time to stand around and think. it drives me crazy. oh well. i wouldnt be doing anything else with my time.

brenna

s t fuck up

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 06:36:15 GMT

today was an amazing day. i dont even know if i can think of all the great things. i got the best iced mint mocha from broadway today. then me ashely and tara went over to atc so that ashley could be in there for the 2nd time in 1 day and look like a total loser. then we walked around. we went into streetside records. and this homeless lady was staring at me and tara through the window and scratching her crotch while staring at us. i started laughing so hard, and it was such a weird laugh, it caused the people in streetside to stare at me like i was a moron, ashley was embaressed and tried to get me to stop but it was sooo funny. we decided to drive around brookside and see if anything was going on there, oh but nothing was. this guy opened up his car door though, which we thought meant follow him. haha. we went down to the plaza to walk around for awhile, where we ran into cassie and she said that if we came up to the cafe shed give us 50% off drinks. totally sweet. so we went and looked at some magazines and i got a caffee vanilla frap and it was sooooo good. we decided to go get some dinner at some mexican restaurant. all i know is it smelt like b.o. and i almost got cheese dip spilt on me. tara ate some hot salsa and almost cried. it was awesome. and beth tried to get in peoples pictures through the window. super creepy. we hung out in the parking lot for awhile and practiced sweet dance moves for 80's night next week. then we took a scenic route back to broadway cafe. where everyone had to use the bathroom. and i ran into barrettooooo and got to talk to him for awhile. totally rad. then we went back to ashelys and looked at magazine for awhile and waited for the boys to show up. we practiced some more sweet dance moves on the porch but with no music it wasnt going so well. we played some rather than games. like lap dances or body shots? body shots or a 2 for 1. you can lick the booooob! then we played idiot which was the best by far. oh yah i forgot to mention that driving from broadway back over to ashleys me and beth went frickin wild like the taliban dancing. but anytime people would pull up next to us we would switch the station and turn it down real and bob our heads. b/c we arent gangsta compared to the troost area. anyways at ashleys we played idiot and it was really hilarious. but i kept getting screwed over by other people. me and tara had a great ride home. full out dance party. i almost wrecked, alot, b/c my dancing was consuming me. but we heard my JAM on the way home, and lets just say we pumped that jam, pump it up, while your grooving. haha. either way. tonight was amazing. one of the best days i have had in awhile.

brenna

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 08:39:37 GMT

there are alot of silly things lately that i have been so caught up in. genuinly i think that i am just in a rush to find something great. and all i really find is something super shitty. but at least i always get the instinct that things are going to go wrong. i just never listen to it. i am still thinking life is pretty amazing. and am very excited for michael to come back to town, even if its only for a week. i think alot of the time when i am on the phone he drowns out half the shit i say and thinks about bicycles. but thats cool b/c i do that all the time to other people. but i dont really think about other things. i just drown people out.

brenna

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 07:19:33 GMT

my dad called really early this morning. when i answered the phone i couldnt talk. i just kept making all these weird noises. then i think i fully woke up and was able to talk. but it was quite funny to me. he said something about bringing him something to work. but he told me i didnt have to do it til noon. that sounded quite great at the time. but when it was 1130 i was still quite tired. he gave me the backroads directions to his work. he drives that way everyday b/c he likes to believe that there is still farmland on our side of kansas. i guess he wanted me to believe that today too. i was amazed by all the cows. i even thought i saw a cow floating. but it was just on an invisible hill. either way i got him his checking book, so he could open up some account or something. i drove past the new highschool and saw all the cars in the parking lot and was so confused by why so many people were up at the schools. then i realized that today was enrollment. but i realized that too late and got yelled at for not going and picking up my yearbook. but how was i supposed to know today was enrollment. i spent most of my day in bed. trying to sleep. i even put a blanket over my window to make it more dark in my room. but right after i did that the noisemakers came home and i thought all was over. but somehow i fell asleep. think its a skill of mine. woke up at 5 pm to go to work. it was super sweet. i watched babies make out. i didnt know they did that. i guess they make out with their foreheads. or thats what the parents told me. then these girls got in a screaming competition and i really wish i could have kicked them out. i mean if i were to get into a screaming competition at a restaurant i am pretty sure i would get kicked out. after work not much happened. i looked at my step brothers yearbook and i fought with my dad about college and other sweet stuff. i went over to beckis and me her and tara went up to the store where tara bought some shitty ice cream and becki chased us in a electronic cart. i have a fear of things ramming my ankles. we watched y tu mama tambien. and talked about small hands and feet. its now 2:20 am and i am not that tired. but thats a lie.

brenna

you have a grey soul

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 02:17:39 GMT

yesterday was a great day. for many reasons. i went and picked up my paychecks at my work and went to the bank. all by myself. got my overdraft fee payed. i hate overdraft. then thomas called and was all you wanna go to the warped tour. and i was all pshhh yah! turns out they found me a free ticket after all. warped tour was pretty fun. the whole goal of the day was to find me a boyfriend. it was pretty hilarious. but thomas kept shoving me into really ugly boys and at one point got angry and punched him in the stomach pretty hard. haha. its all okay though. i did end up meeting a really nice boy that i got to spend alot of time with. which made warped tour more enjoyable. i got to see letterkills, which was the only real reason i went to warped tour. that and it was free. after warped tour my car was locked in this parking lot. adn we had to drive it through this ditch area to get it out. my poor car. but thomas was very safe as he drove it out. i then went out to ashleys for the cd burning party. i talked to my mom most of the way and she helped direct me b/c she knows everything about directions b/c she works for the highway patrol. but then i got to ashleys and i got some sweet cds b/c ashley and beth let me bum some blank cds off them. so i got the blonde redheads, the walkmen, the streets, and phantom planet. i think i made out pretty well. today has been pretty awesome too. my sister bought me subway which was the most awesome thing ever. and thomas called and talked to me about puntaaaang. which was the most hilarious thing ever. i cant get a hold of beck right now b/c she doesnt get service in her house. lame.

brenna...notorious

sampson

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 20:09:41 GMT

the wrong person is calling. i had a dream about a phone conversation. it was pathetic. i just got out of bed. and its only to go to work. i am really lazy.

last night was quite hilarious. good friends are all one needs. i think my bowl of rip off cocoa pebbles is making me sick.

i can guess everything you think but it doesnt matter.

work you cares away, dancings for another day.

my mix cds are the best.

so are the spiderwebs in my car.

brenna...wtfuuuuuuuck bro

dear bro

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 08:57:22 GMT

you fuckin lose. fuckin big time.

brenna

oh tonight

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 06:48:05 GMT

tonight was a really good night for hanging out. who know sitting in a bedroom could be so much fun. i guess it all depends on the people you are with.me and ashley went and got some cheap summer drinks. for some reason she wastes money on buying sprees. but i dont turn them down when she offers them to me. i think the best part of the whole night was the conversation at the door. things like that always happen to me, goodbyes always last forever. haha that sounds really cheesy. either way after i left a whole gang war happened in front of my car and i called beth to make sure she was alright. and i decided that if they came up to my car i would have told those gangstas "yo dont be tryn to put yo bonez in ma grilll". and i would have scared them off. i felt like listening to the radio. so i scanned the stations. and ended up singing a country song. but the station faded out and i was really sad. but THEN ashlee simpson came on. and ESSENTIALLY she is the coolest person ever. hairwise. she has the best bangs. and those things are what matter to me when i am judging someones character. haha. get over it.

brenna

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 13:28:28 GMT

whatever this is, i wish it was over. the closer they are, the more they can hurt you.

pisces

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 05:37:00 GMT

my cell phone still has not come. i want to kick tmobiles ass. today i kept telling my dad to call them and tell them what assholes they are. and then when he was on the phone with them i wanted to yell assholes in the background. but then i remembered that the person my dad is talking to on the phone probably isnt controlling how fast my phone is going to get here. today i spent looking out my window waiting for the mail man. and then i got nothing! nothing! it was a let down to say the least. all i really want to do is check my voicemail to see if someone called. i have no password or access code for my cell phone so i cant call and check it from other phones. i have passes for a free screening of napolean dynamite wednesday but i cant go b/c of work. but its ok though b/c i need all the money that i am making. i have to save up 600 dollars in 5 months. sounds easy. which it would be if i didnt have to pay hundreds of dollars in other things monthly. i picked out my courses for jccc. but tomorrow i have to go up and take some test for english so that i can be in comp 1. i am a genius, i shouldnt have to take a test. oh well i will just wow them with my skills. alot of people have been a huge dissapointment lately. thats pretty much all there is to say about that. i dont want to focus on those things. all i know is when i am driving home listening to saves the day there is a smile on my face. and thats all i need at the end of the day. to be able to smile.

brenna

pisces

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 05:36:51 GMT

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 07:08:23 GMT

diversion class at 10 am is very boring. i said hello to a mom her forget who i was in only 1 week. it was pretty funny b/c she had this akward look on her face like why is this juvenille talking to me. you could tell she was embaressed to be there. i could barely stay awake during the videos. i held my eyes open and played with my sweater. then elliot told our parents the same information he had given us the night before. so once again i was struggling to stay awake. i found an easy way to pass the time was to stare at the floor and think of him. but apparently elliot noticed i wasnt paying attention, so he stopped the class and started at me until i noticed. i never would have, accept my dad nudged me. i spent the rest of the time counting ceiling tiles and blinds. after that i came home to rest. but soon tara called me to go to the pool with her. it was so hot out today. the pool was alright but quickly things went wrong when the old men next to us decided it would be a good idea to hit on us. i made up a fake story about having a boyfriend, thinking of course of the same boy as previous in the day. we left the pool b/c it was too akward. i came home and slept for awhile. then me and tara headed out to lee summit for the knobtown show. too bad we got lost. tara is deathly affraid of dear which made the whole experience hilarious. we went to see anchorman but left early due to no enjoyment. came home to no phone calls. all though i am still debating whether or not i want the person to call. we made cheesy fries and watched amelie. the night is over. and i am drained.

i hate people with their assumptions and their stereo types. well hates a strong word, but if every conversation that you have with me you have to ask me if i have been drinking then you really dont know me at all. otherwise you would note the fact that i havent drank in a long time. and its not an every day or every week thing for me. but to some its humurous to belittle me and act like im an alcoholic when they dont even know the meaning of the word.

brenna...yellow card sucks

heres you letter

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 19:33:27 GMT

summer is starting to feel like summer. becki moved in and its not as bad as i thought it would be. the houses in hallbrook are huge. elvis grbac used to live there i guess. last night at target lauren called this girl by the wrong name. it was pretty fun only b/c lauren knows her real name, she just momentarily screwed up, and she has felt really bad ever since then. we watched maid in manhattan for awhile then went to hang out with the skater boys. second time this week. jackie would be proud. they all get really drunk and stop understanding whats going on. like robin when he was like you staying the night in the mansion, and i said no, and he was like ok see you tomorrow morning. haha. anyways. pizza is all i have ate the past 4 days. beckis boyfriend from california flies in today. and i dont know if she plans on bringing him here or not. i have to go to diversion class tonight. thats another thing that aint so exciting. i hope my cell phone comes in the mail today. or i am going to through a freaking fit. my sister is singing along to blues clues. she is 14. she needs to grow up.

brenna

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 06:08:18 GMT

i just ate some pizza but i dont feel that great. my stomach was having hunger cramps even though i wasnt hungry. so i gave in and ate. and now i hate myself.

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 19:25:06 GMT

i've got lots of bugbites. and i think you can tell when something is weighing pretty heavy on you, if you keep dreaming about it every night. but whatever, fuck some people.

the streets-dry your eyes

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 06:27:32 GMT

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.